Knights Experience Spirutal Awakening, Attempt to Get Their Shit Together

Knights shooting guard The Mayor stunned Gotham City earlier this evening with an unexpected announcement: he and his teammates, Prince, Steven, and Ghost, are denouncing their current lifestyle, which until now had consisted of copious amounts of drinking, smoking, and unprotected sexual intercourse with multiple partners.

"We are grown-ups and we are important," began The Mayor in his official statement to the press. "We play basketball. We own expensive things; gizmos and gadgets, for example. We eat cheese and meat. We pay our bills on time. We have low cholesterol.  We appreciate art. We prefer charcoal grills over gas grills. We decided as a team that we should no longer risk losing these precious commodities by living the way we have been living."

But where did this sudden change of heart come from?

"Well, I guess it all started when we were arrested earlier today," remarked Knights power forward Steven Jamaal."Yeah, we got a stern talking-to by the fuzz, which, I might add, hurt my feelings deeply. I didn't even care about the whole going-to-jail thing, I just don't like people being mean to me. But anywho, after we got released, the most amazing thing happened. We experienced a spiritual cleansing."

The Knights claim that the source of this divine intervention were the teachings of world-renowned Internet evangelist, Dr. James David Manning. "He is a guru in all things spiritual," acknowledges Prince, Gotham City's star point guard. "Normally I don't like to talk about these kinds of things because I'm really tough, but Dr. Manning broke down those barriers. I am turning over a new leaf in my life, and I owe it all to Dr. Manning."

"Ya'll are as crazy as bedbugs!" Dr. Manning
proclaims to his own race

Knights center, Ghost, adds, "Yeah, Dr. Manning just exudes an aura of peace and forbearance that really appeals to me, not unlike the way Revolutionary War stuff appeals to me. If I could follow anyone, and I had to choose between Dr. Manning and George Washington--leader of the Revolutionary War--I would choose Dr. Manning. George Washington is dead, and I'm not comfortable following a dead person."

Not surprisingly, the public reaction to the Knights' repentance is highly negative. Though the Knights' self-proclaimed "knight-style" was the main source of Gotham City's criminal activity, the shenanigans put on by the Knights' Fab Four over the years have cemented their place in the annals of history. Many argue that they now amount to nothing without their legendary lifestyle in tow.

Perhaps the most outspoken individual opposing the Knights' decision comes from within their own infrastructure--Gotham City Knight chaplain, His Holiness the Priest.

"As much as I'd like to admit that I'm happy that Prince, Mayor, Steven, and Ghost found inner peace through the teachings of a respectable Christian minister, that would be a lie," Priest says through clenched teeth. "I don't like it one bit. They're not as fun anymore. They are self-righteous, pious freaks. And now I'm concerned that they may be plotting to assassinate the President, which I suspect is Dr. Manning's influence."

"Good God, this Manning guy isn't even a doctor!" exclaims local physician Dr. Hank Stace, author of the bestselling The Pill Thing. "He doesn't give anyone medicine. He just talks to a camera. If he's not prescribing me pills, he is not worthy of the title of doctor. It makes me shake my head."


Many speculate that the Knights' are just going through a phase, and a short-lived phase at that. Their recent behavior on and off the court is enough to show that they are truly the most temperamental bunch of people ever to exist. But whether this change of heart is genuine or not, every citizen of Gotham must now ask: Is Gotham City ready to embrace a new kind of knight-style?