Police Prosecute Professional Player; Population Properly Perplexed.

Beloved auto-dealer, Andy Mohr

In what may be the biggest misunderstanding of all time, Gotham City officials announced that they will file charges against GCK small forward Steven Jamaal. Police reports leaked to the public earlier this month say that Jamaal was found at the scene of the murder of reputable car dealer Andy "Wipes the Floor" Mohr. According to these reports, Jamaal was discovered standing over Mohr's body. Although there were no signs of a struggle, the police did find some telling evidence.

"I did not do it," says Steven Jamaal

"The autopsy reveals that someone had removed Mohr's vocal chords through surgical means," says Gotham City resident physician Hank Stace, who performed the autopsy himself. "We also found that someone had glued earphones to his head and made him listen to his own commercials, perhaps for hours on end. He literally died by the sound of his own voice."

It is a well-known fact that Steven Jamaal has an open disdain for the voice of Andy Mohr. Also well-known is the fact that Jamaal recently got his medical license in order to perform open-throat surgery for his friends. His response?

"I know this looks bad, but I did not do it. They -" was all Jamaal could say before he burst into tears of joy.

Gotham has split into two factions in regards to these recent developments. On one hand, there are those who vehemently support Jamaal's innocence. On the other hand, there are citizens who rejoice in the death of Andy Mohr.

But how different are these two groups of people? Do they have more in common than they seem to think?

Yes, yes they do. They are literally the exact same.

Administration Admits to Administering Addictive Alcohol to Adolescents; Adverse Affects Abound!

Gotham City officials have been suspended indefinitely for handing out alcoholic beverages to trick-or-treaters on October 31st. The positions have been filled temporarily by the Gotham City Knights, with The Mayor presiding as the mayor. Details to follow soon; city officials have not yet released a public statement to the public.

Mayor of Gotham Assassinated, Citizens Rejoice

What most people would consider a tragedy, citizens of Gotham perceive as a blessing. Gotham City's Mayor, Ireland I. Ellerby*, was sadistically murdered in his home office Friday evening. A large number of people gathered in the streets and put on an impromptu parade to celebrate. Many are calling for a statue of the assassin to be erected where Ellerby's home once stood, which was also burned to the ground by the assassin that same evening. The police had an opportunity to arrest the killer, but they were too smitten with the knowledge that the mayor was dead. One officer remarked quite casually, "I know I was supposed to shoot the guy, but how could I? He did us all a huge favor!" As a result, the assassin has yet to be identified.


Mayor Ellerby's funeral will be held next Friday, God willing that it isn't protested by the citizens of Gotham.


*not to be confused with the Gotham City Knights shooting guard, The Mayor

Hawks Harpooned...Prince in Pain After Agonizing Blow

Gotham City's own point guard, Prince, experienced utter turmoil Saturday afternoon after his beloved Hawks let him down.  For those readers who were not aware of Prince's contract, he is the current GM of the HBA's best team, the Atlanta Hawks (11-0). Pressing on with this breaking news, Prince's Hawks' were off to a sluggish start after being virtually trapped inside the Xbox for over three weeks. "We felt neglected" said Karl Malone. Furthermore, Malone contributed their play to lack of confidence from GM, Prince.  Center, Shawn Kemp added,"It is difficult to perform at our highest level when he is constantly speaking down to us. Last game he compared me to George McGinnis and that just hurt." "We have feelings, we aren't pretend,"added Hawk's backup point guard and piss bucket holder, Scott Brooks.
 

Prince expressed some anger towards the opposing team. "I think that they had intentions to stall and I think that was a low blow. Additionally Prince added, "Where there is smoke, there is fire." League MVP J.R. Smith added,"This is fucked up. Period. Anybody who is gonna hold the ball on us can expect to get fouled and fouled hard." Prince really struggled to play regular defense down the stretch. His thumbs held heavy to the X button. Prior to the Atlanta job, Prince was the GM of the Seattle Supersonics. The team went unbeaten, winning 45 straight games including the World Championship.  Prince had the first perfect season in HBA history as well as the first professional perfect season since the 1972 Miami Dolphins. Going into this season Prince won his first 11 games before this travesty occurred.  The people of Atlanta are in an verbal outrage. Riots have been taking place through the cities downtown areas with signs cursing Prince! Local citizen, Kevin Hart stated, "BALL OUT, quick coaching like a 'lil bitch." Prince was deeply offended by Hart's words. "I bought that midgit's DVD's, said The Hawks GM. This loss snapped an impressive 56 game win streak.

The Hawks thankfully won their latest match ups against the Celtics of Boston and Mayor's hot-trotting Milwaukee Bucks. So as the playoffs are here again in virtual Gotham it appears the Hawks have the upper hand with Prince at the helm. Dear citizens of Gotham, can anyone destroy this pretend mastermind?

Yet Another Ice Age Hits Gotham City

An aerial view of Gotham City on
Saturday morning, May 11th

This weekend proved to be a difficult one for many Gotham City residents as the temperature dropped into the low 50s. Knights point guard Prince, also a board member of the Gotham City Weather Emergency Response Team, urges all citizens to stock up on canned goods, bottled water, and other non-perishable food items. "I'll be damned if anyone starves to death just because it's too cold to go outside," he says with tears in his eyes. "It's just too naughty to speak of...too damn naughty to speak of."