Random Gotham City resident Damon revealed that he has been
living a secretly spastic lifestyle today in a one-on-one interview with CBS
Gotham.
“I have very incongruent tastes,” Damon proudly told our affiliate TV
station. “On one hand I’m infatuated with swastikas. Sometimes I just sit in my
room and draw them for hours. I even have one tattooed on my lower back. But on
the other hand, I become succumb to emotion every time I see a rainbow. Like I
just break down and ball my eyes out.”
Damon is the first Gotham City citizen
to come out as acquiescently spastic, potentially paving the way for more
residents in the community to unveil the orientation of their interests.
“He is
incredibly brave,” one congressman said while holding back tears. “Damon is a
true American hero. Jackie Robinson, Rosa Parks, even Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.;
this is the prestigious company Damon now finds himself in as an activist for
civil rights and equality.”
President Barrack Obama recognized the historical
significance of the announcement, calling Damon from the Oval Office yesterday
afternoon to congratulate him on coming out and to commend him for his bravery.
After speaking with the President, Damon was inspired to delve further into his
sick and twisted mind, telling reporters “My favorite TV show is Teletubbies.
Nothing makes me giggle like a little school girl quite like those multi-colored
toddlers of a mythical species. But I also love murder mysteries. Nothing
captivates my imagination like death and the many different ways people can be
slaughtered,” he said with a psychotic laugh.
When asked if he thought of
himself as a hero, Damon possibly attempted to paint a metaphor by referring to
his favorite movie: “Remember that part
in Iron Man 1 when Tony Starks was trapped in that prison by those bad guys
with towels on their head and then he built the Iron Man suit and killed all
the bad guys? (Silence) Well, do you remember that? That was awesome!”
Unfortunately, reaction to Damon’s
announcement has been mixed. Gotham City’s top physician, Dr. Hank R. Stace,
let out his frustration on the topic with a simple “GEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZ.” Dr.
Stace needed a moment to cool down before he said anything too extreme, “Honestly,
you don’t deserve another breath on this earth if you have such spastic
interests. Here’s a question for you: why is Damon still alive? Makes me shake
my head.”
A couple players on the Gotham City Knights basketball team took to
Twitter to weigh in on the subject, simultaneously revealing that they
themselves are intolerant jackasses. “This Damon guy is a real spastic fuck
smfh,” The Mayor tweeted to his 3.7 million followers. “We need to start
hanging people in public again. That will prevent this shit #WeHateSpasticFucks”
read the tweet of Knights’ center Ghost.
It is a true travesty that Gotham City
is still plagued by such bigotry. But all the more reason to acclaim Damon as a
hero and to be inspired by his valor.
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